The article below was written in my local newspaper. I thought I would share it because I found it to be not only really funny but also quite true.
ACCORDING to a survey, British couples spend just under 10 days a year not speaking. That seems a serious under-estimate if the Nurden household is anything to go by.
The poll of 3,000 has revealed that the average married couple has two arguments a week which result in the silent treatment for two hours and 14 minutes each time.
That is 104 arguments every year, lasting a total of 232 hours and 16 minutes.
Six out of 10 people refuse to kiss and make up after an argument, preferring to sulk rather than admit they are in the wrong.
A fifth are too stubborn to say sorry, while 14 per cent storm out of the house before an argument has been resolved.
Just under half of couples admitted to http://www.onepoll.com they often put their foot in it by being insensitive or overly critical of their partners
A third argue because they have taken each other for granted and a third have weekly clashes over money.
About a quarter claim that losing items such as car keys, favoured underpants or the TV remote control is enough to start an argument.
Fifteen per cent get cross after discussing the best ways to bring up the children.
Other reasons couples argue include getting lost on a car journey, never going out as a couple and being shunned in the bedroom.
Hogging the TV and getting jealous over close friendships complete the top 10.
The poll revealed that once a year one partner – usually him – will be relegated to the spare room because the argument hasn’t been resolved by bedtime.
Fifty per cent say they find it hard to stop sulking and 55 per cent hold a grudge against their partner even if they have forgotten what the argument was originally about.
But despite squabbling on a regular basis, 76 per cent of couples believe the odd spat is essential and 66 per cent say they get on better with their partner when they have made up.
Armed with these facts I decided to try them out on Mrs Nurden and ticked virtually all the boxes.
I have accused her of subterfuge when Mr Nobody has hidden my car keys; worked myself into a state when she has insisted on turning the map upside down in the car to see where we are; and noisily sulked in the corner when I have had to watch CSI Casualty Star Numbers Sharpe Trek instead of being allowed to see intelligent television such as the early rounds of The X Factor.
Of course, I am a paragon of virtue and have virtually no faults.
I never leave a sock rotting on the bedroom carpet, always put wet bath towels into the washing basket and arrive home punctually every night with a winning smile and a bunch flowers.
I pointed this out to Mrs Nurden during some light-hearted banter in the middle aisle of Tesco but it quickly became apparent she did not share my view and assaulted me with a packet of frozen peas.
I am hoping to be back out of the spare bedroom by the weekend…