Hmmmm….childhood

I read a blog recently that got me thinking about my childhood. Until the age of four, my sister and I, who are only a year and a half apart in age, were two very happy little girls. I can remember swinging on the front gate, waiting for my mother to come home from work. She worked long, hard shifts as a waitress and always brought us a small gift home, when she was on her afternoon break. A neighbour was paid to look after us. My father was an office worker and both my parents were hardened gamblers. My mother became pregnant and had a weird, ghostly experience, which I may blog about on another occasion. She was developing a duodenal ulcer and my father lost his job. Things changed. Every night my older sister and I prayed for mummy to get better. She gave birth to my younger sister and resumed work after four weeks. She was in terrible pain every day and frequently vomited blood. She was on morphine based pain killers, uppers and downers. Her personality changed. She beat me remorselessly for years. My brother was born and was spoilt from the first day. When I no longer cried when she beat me, she bound my dogs muzzle and beat her to make me cry. It worked. I had many nightmares about that. My younger sister was also abused but not the eldest sister, nor my brother. Once, my sister held me whilst my mother approached me with a red hot poker, for telling lies. I kicked my sister and ran and hid up the road, in a neighbour’s garden. I heard them pass, muttering dire consequences. When I got home, my father gave me a hiding but that was better than being branded. If anyone at school asked about the bruises and wheals I said I had fallen over. I kept a 5 year diary and ticked off the days ‘till I was old enough to leave home. At fourteen, I ran away, got caught and had an exorcism held over me!! I was always afraid of my mother but loved her fiercely and still do, even though she passed away 20 years ago. I never forgave my father for allowing it to happen. You see, I understand she was driven mad with pain and drugs.  I wonder what his excuse was.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Hmmmm….childhood

  1. Jane

    OMG Penny… That is horrific. I shall have nightmares now over your poor little dog. And they way you were treated. I don’t know what to say? There was no help in those days to stop child cruelty.A very moving blog Pen. It must have been hard for you to write it. God Bless you. I hope you can put it all behind you now and stay happy for the rest of your life.

  2. penny

    Thank you Jane. It all seems to have happened to a different little girl. I have it all shut tightly in a box in my head.

  3. Unknown

    ((hugs)) Pen. I wonder too… I find it harder sometimes to think kindly upon my mother moreso than my father because she knew what was happening but did nothing about it. But the thought that sprang to my mind reading this was my favourite quote from the movie "Parenthood". Keanu Reeve’s character says, "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father." And the same goes for mothers.This place ~can~ be cathardic if we allow it to be. You wrote something about that in a comment not too long ago–I don’t remember whose blog you were responding to, but I was struck by what you said. I am glad we found each other on this big thing called the world wide web. ((hugs)) and love from a sister of heart… xx

  4. Karen

    Sorry for being nosey, but saw Jake had commented on this. I cannot bear to read of mothers (particularly) behaving towards there children like this, but it does make me treasure my own children even more, hope you don’t mind the intrusion luv Karen x

  5. Deb's

    dear gods Pen… no one should have to live through that, and it is soemthng i often wonderr about when a partner sits by and does nothing … guilty afterthe fact.((hugs)) pen, I cannot even begin to imgaine the nightmare you lived through ((hugs))I am so pleased you allowed yourself to express this on here though, you only recently mentioned on one of my blogs of the catharsis that may take place on here if we allow it, I hope you have found at the very least a sense of release and healing.with love and lightdebsxXx

  6. Unknown

    That was it! Deb’s blog… I knew I read it somewhere… xx : )

  7. Louise

    Hi Pen (((BIG HUGS))) it’s amazing the things that we are put through even as children. I was fortunate to only get a good hiding when I was naughty a blessing I guess. I’m sorry you had to go through all that and I can’t blame you for wanting out as soon as you were able to. There’s a huge difference in my books to a quick punishment and a slow lingering life or torture because that must have been what it was like for you. Bright Blessings xxx

  8. penny

    Thankyou for your comments guys. I have shut it all away tightly again, Pen.

  9. ..

    Oh Pen … I admire you for being so open! It often takes real courage to talk about this things.I am really sorry for the things you had to go through. The sad part is that we have no choice but to carry all these loads … our entire lives. Now, the good thing is, that we have a choice and the chance to have friends who help us with our load. Thank you very much again for sharing thiswith me too!!! LOVE and ((((((BIG HUGS))))))), ALEX XXXXXXXXX

  10. Happy

    Dear Penny, See the box closed. Understandable. What courage to share, especially for those still unable to know how. I am sorry this childhood was as you describe. (((Hugs of comfort))) for such courage.

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